randyland

Best and Worst of 2004!!

Best NYC Hood : SoHo - the original acronymhood! Sure SoHo is a mall but I also wanted to work in a mall when I got older and now I do. Joining the already phenomenal Moss, Apple, Helmut Lang, APC, and Mercer Hotel were a bunch of new kids on the block : BathingApe, Triple Five Soul, KidRobot, Johnathan Adler (now with furniture!), BabyPhat, Adidas Originals, Stussy, LureFishbar, and I thought this one was gonna be a sellout but I changed my mind on the new Pearl River Mart. Deitch Projects is still the best gallery in the city too. Now Commes Des Garcons needs to comme des back and I'll be all set.

Worst: Hetpacking District. Wow.

Hottest 2004 (male) : Bill Rancic. Eli Roth.

No Thanks: Usher, Doug Fanueil, Ben Affleck.

Hottest 2004 (female) : Courtney Love. Man she fuggin' hit the wall this year (prolly with a microphone), and never looked worse (or better!)... I was about to lose hope and suddenly she completly lost it for me. America's Sweetheart was really good too...

Tiredest : Madonna. Ugh please stop her with this Esther bullshit. Kabbalah is such a farce it's not even funny. Also, remember those creepy Diesel ads a few years back where they used those expressionless dolls as models - that's what her Versace ad reminds me of.

Saddest Goodbyes : Stephen Sprouse, Sex and the City, Helmut Newton, Elizabeth Taylor, Carbs.

Best Vacation : Paris. It's touristy for a reason. It continues to amaze me.

 

Worst : Miami.

Best Movie : Napoleon Dynamite

Worst : A Dirty Shame. Good thing I saw that, now I know what a "bear" is.

Best drag: Jackie Beat. Please move back

Worst : Candis Cayne. You're pretty, we get it. You have a husband...bet that's legal.

Best Porn Star: Owen Hawk

Worst: Paris Hilton and Matthew Rush (tie)

Best TV : Real World with two bottoms instead of one

Worst : Manhunt

Best Gay Trend : Getting Fat

Worst : Crystal Meth, Cristal, dogs in LV carriers, Queer Eye for Everyone!, getting married, getting divorced, blogs, overuse of the word "gorgeous", Better Burger, Fire Island queens that hate Provincetown

Best Art :Terminal Five show. I went. :)

Worst: new MOMA admission co$t : I spent. :(

Best Architecture : Seattle Public Library by OMA

Worst: Prada stores by OMA

Best CD: Chuck by Sum 41, To the Five Boroughs by Beastie Boys

Worst : Size Matters by Helmet

I'm a Poet and I don't even know it : Billy Corgan

I'm a Poet and no one cares anymore : Eminem

Best Store: Muji

Worst : H+M. Revolting

Best Video: Do You Wanna Break Up? by Cazwell

Worst: New York Minute

Flee Bowery

Listening to: " YOU THINK YOU'RE A MAN" by The Vaselines

In order to fill my fun quota for 2004 I decided to hit the town with b.f.f/p.i.c Tom, who had to fly back home to lovely San Fran the next day. I had to face my fear of the gay strip mall at Bowery and E4 and hit Beige because what else is there to do on a Tuesday (other than spend the night watching Real World/Road Rules Battle of the Sexes with some Gun Oil...)

There was nary a Mr. Mickey or Michael Musto in sight, and trust, we would have quickly gravitated toward those two in a heartbeat, but instead Tom   and I rode the wave of scrubbed studs like a tsunami, powerchugging Heinekens on the way. Lowlites included the new busted face go-go boys, playing always fun "Italian, Jewish, or Both", and watching some kid throw up all over his table because he said he ate too much sugar... ok Willy Wonka.

Stumbling languidly around the corner we slid down to the Slide where - now this is where the magic begins - none other than Princess Kennedy (OMG), of world shameous tranband Pepperspray was emceeing something, yet the broken gaffaws of her cracking throat bounced of the absestos ceiling so gracefully we thought it might have been at Trannyshack instead. We immediately bolted to the stage and joined the sloppy fun!

It was so great to see some horror drag for a change here in NY (not counting Sweetie of kers)..Anywaze PK tells me that chin-tastic Boy George is having some NYE party thats she's hostin' so you'll prolly see me there before Peaches. Aww it was good to see Tom again. I got some pierogis at Veselka and got the hell outta dodge. Or at least the Bowery.

The Greatest American Hiro

I hate people who don't love winter and don't love snow. If you were awake last night at around 2 walking around you know what I'm talking about. The city is so mythically beautiful and serene when it snows it's almost undescribable.

I needed a good dose of durrty after my jaunt to sloburbia, and I couldn't think a hauter place to check out than Cuckoo Club, the newish night hosted by mack-drew-aimee at Hiro in the the Fairytime Hotel, which by the looks of it is fast becoming a brothel from the slithery johns and daddies bouncing twinks on their laps in the lobby like it was Bloomingdales earlier this week or the Neverland Ranch during the rest of the year. It looked promising from the moment I entered, but soon I could see this was just another Beige clone. Lots of irony, lots of fauxhawx, lots of wordy shirts. I guess I was just as guilty. People either didn't get my ironic combo of Star of David and KMFDM teeshirt look or were just REEEEEEALY into that new Destiny's Child song at this point because I was getting no love... Anyways finally the Trinity arrived minus Aimee and Mack, but at least Drew was there to save my boredom with a magical drink ticket... from there it got MUCH better as a Richie, and a Pedro, and a Traver, and a Tobell queued in, followed suit and made this place actually beaucoup de fun. Special added bonus was running into blogstar Matt in the bathroom, who said he was a big fan of Randyland, and chided me (like everyone else) for not updating in an unheard of ten days. I told him I couldn't because we have AOL popup blockers on my home comp and this was basically a porn site... I was getting bored, I needed some beef, so I went to Rambles, which sucked except for Sofia (and my stalker who actually looked kinda hot last night)

I was so in the snowment heading home I snapped some fun shots. BTW use a flash when it snows and the light reflects nicely off the flakes (much like they do at Beige)

Oh! and I saw a GORGEOUS drawing of Kevin Aviance on 16th Street! Who said street art is dead.... 

cherry flavored antacids

Can I get a Hannulejuah that the holidaze are (almost) over....I mean at least the friggin' GIMME GIMME GIMME portion is over, but the champagne soaked debauchery is still to come..yay... Overall it wasn't that bad this year. I asked for something and actually got it! My little brother Gary got me the Nirvana box set and it's actually really good. My favorite songs on there have to be the unreleased gems of misery Anorexorcist, I Hate Myself and I Want to Die, and a demo of Dive. The DVD is really good too - best part is the 1991-era band trolling around the South Street Seaport and Wall Street area with these creepy clear plastic masks on stuffing hot dogs in their faces. Let's see N.E.R.D think up shit like that.

The strange thing about going home if that you don't realize you yourself are getting older until you see your family members getting older. In my mind, my sister Michelle will never be more than 17, and to hear her talking about getting married and having a kid was freaking me out. To have my little brother buy me a $60 CD box set with money he actually earned is weird. They made fun of my bald spot. It's OK I shaved my head. Anyways I was pretty much wigging out until I came back into the filthy Penn Station and breathed a deep breath of youth and smog that keeps me happy and crazy in New York. After 3 days of homecooked goodness and lovin' I needed some cherry flavored antacids - I got a pretzel at Auntie Mame's instead and cabbed it home.

Thanks to all my great pals and palettes that lavished me with wishes and kvetches for the season. We can't get younger but we can always be more fabulous.

Queer Eye for the RPI

Best of 2004: Best discovery

He's almost too cute..........

I attended a school in upstate NY called RPI which isn't known for having the coolest or most diverse student body - Tom and myself were pretty much known faggots the moment we opened our mouths, and as such we ruled that place with a velvet fist. IMAGINE MY SHOCK when I discovered earlier this year that my alma mater not only had a new gay kid to wreak some havoc, but also one of the most interesting and handsomest ones that you could possibly meet... ladies and gents meet john .....

He graffitis, he breakdances, he's a math whiz (from Austin, TX...OMG). John's definetly something worth fighting for...

you paul charles?

Famous people are just like you and me! On our way to dinner infamous ex bf Brad and I spotted Supermodel of the World Ru Paul on the Union Square L platform last night, working a handsome gangster chic complete with angled Phillip Treacy hat and slim pink cravette.

But that wasn't the only pink thing! Ru didn't barf but some small Williamsburgian girl did and thats where this pool of pain came from.....when Brad and I saw her kneeling down on the subway platform, he said "she's praying to Allah" and just as I said, "yeah but she's facing North?", thats when the roman shower emerged. Thank goodness they just raised subway fares in NYC again!.

Whores in my head.....

I'm still getting over how fucking astronomically amazing Wednesday's Pixies show was. So as evveryone knows one of my favorite bands the Pixies got back together this year and have been touring nonstop with it all winding up for like an unheard-of 7 day sell out at Hammerslime Ballroom - which was supersmart because that place is intimate enough that you can actually get into a live show but feel like in a huge crowd. One of my best friends Nicole and I went and caught the tail end of opening act Le Tigre, which was cute but kinda boring (nice how a neon layered Brooklyn dyke band with a beared man-tran bores me these days...) , but their cover of I'm So Excited was right on... In between we were making fun of all the 30sumpin hipsters that were just kinda languidly slithering around, moping like it was 1992, but thank god there were a bunch of cute teenage boys that offered us up some hashpipe, which we (reluctantly) refused. Finally the band took the stage, and Tom was right in saying Kim Deal looks like Roseanne Barnold now….

Nicole and I managed to wrangle ourselves 3 deep from the front (you have to love how aggressive/nuts we are together), and they opened with Wave of Mutilation..... and at that point we knew we were about to get hit with 10million pounds of sludge from Kim Deal and the teenage of the year. 

Just like he's been apparently doing throughout this tour, Joey Santiago destroyed his gold Gibson guitar onstage during a mindblowing solo freakout during Vamos and I swear I wish it could have lasted forever, but by this point Blaque Francis was sweating so heavily it was virtually gonna flood the stage. My favorite song Broken Face had me pogoing and bouncing with utter abandon, and they just continued to play classique stuff one after another. I have got to see them one more time before they leave our fair city.

And like I tend to do at these concerts I fell in love with someone in the crowd - this time it was a smallish latin boy with inked half-sleeves and an ironic (?) sleeveless plaid shirt which kinda worked on him-- anyways if you are that cute guy reading this  (or recognize him from these pics I took.....), tell him to give me a kawl!!! 

Pixies/Le Tigre tonite!

Seeing the Pixies with hairy beautyes Le Tigre tonight....can't wait!!!

I hate My Ipod

Sorry IPod, yer getting on my nerves....every fucking week a cuter smaller tighter pinker U2er version of you comes out and like an American Idiot (good song) I buy the new hawter one, but not anymore....you're getting replaced with my Hanukkah winnings (thnx Mom)

I have to keep telling myself, this isn't California...we use PC's here. But seriously the LV-BO mashup is my pick for 2005 hawtest accessory and we all know the importance of hawt....

Sick boy

Let me start this ill-fated, post dated post with a bit of good motherly advise – eat well, take a daily multivitamin, and don’t get take out delivery in Manhattan. I refuse to get anything delivered to me anymore (well almost) because you have to remember the same frightening people you see on the subway and shitting on the streets of Soho at 9pm (happens all the time) will be shoving their hands into your chicken salad sandwich before you shove it into your snout. Bon appetit. Something made me v. sick this past weekend.....

Anyways I have (er had) strep throat, which is not cute to say the least. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I remember back in 1995(?), my best friends in college went to Florida and I had to be holed up in my dorm with strep and I thought was going to drop dead (which oddly enough some Chinese girl downstairs from me did at the same time. She was in her room but they didn’t find her for a week and half because they thought the smell was rotten Chinese food – so tragic!).

I spent all day Saturday watching the America's Next Top Model marathon on VH1 under my schmatta, developing an unhealthy obsession with plus sized beauty Tocarra  (btw have you ever met a black girl named Sue or Emily or anything that isn't crazy, it just doesn’t happen). It was pretty brainless but I learned what a dashiki is (I think) and it made me remember when I was a 5 (ok 26) year old tossing my blankie around my shoulders and posing like I was a miniLadyBunny. Anyways, strep drugs are very very soothing so I passed out but made it up in time to watch Twink Floyd on SNL... no surprise here but the SlitherSisters were just TTH (*trying too hard) but hey I heard they were nominated for a Granny Award, so what do I know.

xo rk

So to all three of my concerned readers I'm fine now, and I lost 11 lbs in the process, so it was kinda worth it!!!! I can finally fit into my dashiki.

Clubmydia

http://www.clubparis.net

Hasn't Florida been punished enough this year?

Mazel Barf

Hey Kinder and Menschen, it's the first fun filled night of one of my least favorite holidays Hannu   Channu   Chanun   Hanuc , the fake Jewish Xmas! I finally had an excuse to use the strikethrough tool....work!

I got a fierce Ikea light thing a few days ago that I will use as my menorah this year....basically it's this metal tube with these tiny lights sticking out of it but u can twist them on an off which I thought is very cute...it's very much the Helmut Lang of menorahs. I refuse to spend $98 on the Jonathan Adler one ... what Jew would pay that, when you can get dinner for 6 at Red Lobster with that kind of coin.

OMG BTW, speaking of Herr Lang,  there is a <secret> sample sale going on three floors above the Helmut Lang store at 80 Greene Street in SoHo....even tho I work in SoHo im absolutely clueless as to the wonderful fashion undertakings that happen here all the time, as you know I dress like some sk8er wannabe b/c I guess thats what i find hawte... Thanx for the tip from my wonderful full-lypped friend Neon Music who spread the love as I was leaving Pat Fields today.... there is an amazing teeshirt there that I must have that says Sofia Lamar Will Kill You, and if you've ever seen her eat skrimps you know the sight will do just that. Im totes kidding, she is my absolute fav transperson ever

So whatever, I guess I'll do the same thing I do every night, eat some mu shu pork, go on Manslut.net, etc. but I might pop in my DVD of one of my favorite movies starring jew cutie Adam Goldberg called The Hebrew Hammer and keep it real. If you havent seen it, I reccomend it, it's hysterical.

Kol Tuv, Randy

People will gawk

I've been told that after only 6 short days of penning this disasterous blague that I've reached the holy grail of on-line blogging .... thanx gawker.com!!

Apply Product from the Back

http://www.liquidgeneration.com/poptoons/gay_pimp.asp

Your club could use some Vixen ....

Last night my new FBBF and I decided not to actually be desperate housewives by sitting around eating Haagen Daaz's limited edition Bailey's Ice Cream watching Desperate Housewives but instead we were going to brave the chills and go out, which I never do now that I have Manhunt and an FBBF and Tivo.... we walked around the obnoxiously fun MEPA/WECHE neighborhood watching crazed Asian girls en route to or possibly leaving a bachelorette party and a queue of meaty italian B+T types desperate to get into Spice Market (I bet they're still waiting), when we finally made it to the Park for some Ramblin' good fun.... the thing I wasn't prepared for was HOW THIS NIGHT IS STILL THE SAME THING EVERY SINGLE WEEK... I think everyone likes this night because it's one place you can still pose with a Virgina Slime viced between your fingers and think you're Alexis from Dynasty. So be prepared that if you do get gummed by someone yer gonna walk away stinking like a wet ashtray afterwards. AND please for the love of god, can someone get Jon Jon Boredoms some new records. "Violet" by Hole was kewl in 1991 but half the crowd there wasn't even alive in 1991, yet they all pogo around like chicks on speed when that songs comes on, which subsequently knocked over my delish Guinness all up in my <random high school sport> teeshirt. It was like that weird cartoon Shirt Tales from the 80's where when the little fuzzies had a thought, it would appear on their respective teeshirt....last night everyone was thinking they must have played soccer or lacrosse for some high school somewhere because thats all you could see for miles and miles... cigarette smoking fauxjox pumping and voguing to a Smells Like Teen Toxic mashup like it was April 2004.

But this story has such a happy ending! The FBBF and I ended up at Diner 24 where I had what had to be the yummiest mac+fromage ever, and lo and behold what came on but Punk Rock Girl by the Dead Milkmen, and I was so tempted to get on the table and shout Anarchy but I just kept shoveling in carbs and feeling like the thirtysomething bear I'm destined to become. As Billy Corgan once sang "Youth is wasted on the Young". And gay fauxjox.

ScissorSpooner

Certainly all you queens must have been as shocked as me when I saw that Scissor Sisters were going to be les guests musicales on next Saturday's SNL....i mean WTF, when did this happen!? Weren't they at PS1 only a month ago or sumpting? Wasn't Jason my waiter at Leshko's last week? Wasn't Del Marquis casually brushing up against my cock at the Eagle last night....I guess it can't come quickly enough after all.

The gays are giddy over this band I really don't know why. Scissor Sisters is like the Color Me Badd of the new wave of homo-themed bands that are the darlings of magazines like NME and HX... I mean think about it...they have a twink, cub, tranny, and two others that just kinda hang out...and weren't they selling the CD at Virgin in UnionSquare for $9.99 yesterday. I'm not hating, I'm just over the trend. Filthy/Gorgeous was kinda a cute song the first 7 million times I heard it but come on, when is the new FS disc gonna be out... I get beat up constantly for j'adoring Fischerspooner, but you what, you know you love them too, you get the joke, and you're a funner faget for it. Everytime I've been to a SS performance I'm thinking, when's my appetizer coming out...

Time to visit Chicago

my new favorite sculpture

Today's priceless IM...READ ON!

bradfordhammer: omg
bradfordhammer: you will diiiiiiie
nycskater66: oui!
bradfordhammer: so
bradfordhammer: in 1996
bradfordhammer: i was a freshman at fit
bradfordhammer: and there was this queen I hated
bradfordhammer: and I got in a fight with her
nycskater66: was it mumblefuck
bradfordhammer: I cannot remember the specifics
bradfordhammer: or not
bradfordhammer: NO.  she wore lace gloves and polyester pants and she had this hideous name......AUSTIN SCARLETT
nycskater66: OH MY!
bradfordhammer: oh my indeed
bradfordhammer: she is NOT 23
nycskater66: now da bitch is FAMOUS
nycskater66: hahhahahahah!!!!
bradfordhammer: I almost gaggeddddddddddd when I read your blog
nycskater66: she's julia roberts
nycskater66: does that piglet think she's YSL
bradfordhammer: yes
bradfordhammer: I HATE HER
nycskater66: or patrick macdonald
nycskater66: u must watch P. Runaway then
nycskater66: she is enemy #1 already
nycskater66: i do love that story
bradfordhammer: can you believe it
bradfordhammer: I AM SO JEALOUS
bradfordhammer: THAT SHOULD BE ME WITH HEIDI!
nycskater66: bradford u are a TV star
nycskater66: and btw, its bravo
bradfordhammer: i know
bradfordhammer: BUT STILL!
bradfordhammer: i hope she gets elliminated
bradfordhammer: something tells me she is gonna win
bradfordhammer: oh dear god
nycskater66: she will her corn dress BARELY made it
nycskater66: bravo is forcing her to have some stuble
bradfordhammer: haha
nycskater66: or she'd be an outright tranny
bradfordhammer: she is basically!
nycskater66: i swear it's julia roberts
nycskater66: hhahah so are we!

Meth: The Musical! ! !

http://www.donttellmama.com/foster2.shtml

This isn't a typo folks - there's a crystal meth cabaret at Don't Tell Mama tonight.....these are two great tastes that don't taste great together people.

*editor's note, i dont nor ever have used crystal meth... that Green Day song that goes "I'm on a roll With no self control I'm going insane with Methamphetamine" got me to just say no ....

Separated at Birff?

Are Austin from Project Runway and Julia Roberts the same person?

You Shouldn't have...no REALLY you shouldn't have ;)

Aww thanks Bradford for your kind words on your blague today! I'm sure you meant all of it with love....I've always wondered why I have closer friends in SF than I do in NYC and I think it's because they don't have to hear me on a daily basis. Well at least I have Jayfrog.

I Cant Believe I Can Still Get This

Bienvenue a Mon Blague

1	blague Nom féminin (a) joke; sans ~! no kidding!

In french the word blog is spelled blague, and it means "kidding"....see I'm here to school you legendary children, like if you say "je blague" it means "im kidding". God writing this shit is hard.

All of my lovely friends across America and a small section of Canada have encouraged me to kollect my daily quips and musings and blast them out for the world to read ! Ok, je blague, but seriously, have you all known me to not follow a trend! As a terribly cute faggot hipster that is skidding toward 30 I hope to document how sad my life is but how cute things and fun friends and Jet Blue and lots of vodka tonics and the occasional trick take the sting away....

I feel better now.... lets end this blog entry on a high note! Just like mon idol Mickey Boardman, who ends his column in Paper Magazine with a Look of the Month, a muse that we can all take style cues from.... aujourd'hui that muse is Jeri Warner, Bwair Warner's CP stricken cousin...kinda sad, but she was a professional comedienne in the 80's and probably can even get married in this country....i bet her kids are cute!